It’s best if you have a 4x4 to get to the ‘Malindi Golf and Country Club’. We did it in a tuk-tuk once and felt sorry for the poor driver. After all, that vehicle is his livelihood…
Next bit of advice: try and play around 07.30ish. Not everyone’s ideal time of day, but the alternative is maybe 3pm-ish. Unless you’re intent on playing 18 holes in the mid-afternoon sun of course. We were forced to do that a couple of times in order to play in one of their weekly competitions. Frankly I was ready for a deep immersion in a very cool pool before the comp even got underway.
‘Glacial’ is surely the least appropriate word to describe African pace of life but everything takes an age. Maybe it’s all part of the locals’ cunning when playing against visitors like us? A punishing form of local golfer’s fore-play: ‘suck every drop of moisture out of them before even hitting a ball…’
Welcome to Malindi golf!
There are plenty of golf clubs that have struggled for survival over their history and this one’s been no different. Founded in the same year - 1962 - that Kenya gained independence from Britain, the club has had its ups and downs too. It’s all about people, politics, money - anywhere in the world.
The people who run such clubs - particularly those members who do it for no pay - in my humble opinion, tend to fall into three categories:
those with enough time on their hands but still with a yearning to fill that void in the ‘command and control’ section of their being, to be in charge of something
those who just do it for love and generally regret it soon after accepting the poison chalice
those who do it because no one else is stupid enough to put themselves up for election.
Malindi today has a valiant collection of members trying to keep the club afloat. Ian - Scottish nightclub owner - the ‘Senior Member’. Various other notable African and Indian members. And Fiona - the current favourite (only) nominee for vice-captain. As I said - somebody has to do it.
Strangely, no Italians vying to be Big Fish here. Despite their obvious numbers! The day we played a midweek competition, it seemed like 80% of entrants were…Italians. They’re quite easy to spot. Even before you hear them, the lady Italians are the elegant ones who… dress like Italians. And smoke. Hilarious to play with. Feisty, and fun.
One of their flock - our allocated partner for one comp, Donatella, in a fetching verging-on-the-outrageous golf skirt for a 70 year old - lit up on the tee, threw down her lighted fag as she teed off down the tinder-dry fairway. Picked fag up, walked off, chattering to herself. Classy old bird.
Now Malindi might not be up there with the swisher clubs we’ve played this trip, but to us it’s ‘home’. Over the years we’ve hacked around here with the help of a variety of caddies, some of whom have survived and seemed delighted to see us again! But then again they would, wouldn’t they? They get a laugh out of it; they paid handsomely for it (around £3.50 for 9 holes) and we are nice to them.
The clubhouse is a charming little place - with classic colonial veranda overlooking the first and final holes. Since we were last here it has even been blessed a new roof, a pool table and a TV! Smart, but rustic.
The club’s commercial viability hangs by a thread as always, but with our Fi on this committee as well, it always has a chance.
As for the course itself, the fairways here do not reach the same lushness that we were blessed with ‘Up Country’ but this area is a hot, dry landscape for one. And secondly, the water pumps that have over time been installed to aid irrigation of this arid track keep getting nicked.
Required golfer’s technique here: think ice-hockey on the ‘fairways’ - you don’t expect to take a divot on most shots and nor should you try. This requires you clip it off the hard, grass-limited surface, as we would on the frozen or muddy fairways at home. Bunkers the same.
And as for the deeper rough, best not go there; leave it to your caddy. They’re amazingly adept at retrieving any wayward ball but they also know how to deal with the perils which can lie within. Apart from the obvious snake life, it is not unknown to encounter larger, hairier beasts in there.
None of that is any cause for concern for either Valerie or Fi of course. They blithely continue to plough their little furrow down the centre of the fairways. Whereas your scribe sensibly prefers the shade offered by the outer-lying bush.
What we can agree upon is that the multinational community of golfers here are most friendly, charming to play with and supportive of this - one of the few - little pieces of golfing paradise along this stretch of coastline.
Once you get to adjust to the heat, humidity, no turf, random greens…you’ll have as much fun as we did!